The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

From The Desk of Nevermore



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The war of the self is everlasting. It continues on a 24 hour basis with no real break in between. Reality, as such is undeniably a hostile place. Choosing to face life head on, free of illusion and free of delusion is definitely a mind-reeling concept.





Awakening is not a romanticized occult concept so much as it is a choice. It is a fact of life. We choose to live the lie or we choose to awaken and live the harsh reality around us and strive to make it a better place.





Those of us who are truly utopian might try to make the world a better place for the masses. But I truly believe the world lives and dies in the war for the self. Understanding is the beginning of wisdom. And the choice is the beginning of understanding.





I find myself lost in the forest, unable many times at this point to see the trees. I have a set path and a set goal and nothing should deter or delay me. And yet I have been delayed. I never said that the path of advancement and the path I’ve chosen is going to be easy.





The time of the plateau is over and it is indeed time to step up and get moving forward. But, there is also the issue of finding the most practical way to do so. If there is something lacking before the step up can be taken, am I willing to make those stops in between, or will I continue to claw at the sides, trying to get up where I wish to be?





I have heard that I’ve reached one of the unhappiest points in my life that I’ve endured to date. That was hard to hear because it is true.





I have reached a point in my path where it seems that the way forward is shut to me. And my emotional self has taken over the reins. I feel disillusioned to the point of anger. And I realize; I am looking at things the wrong way. I no longer see opportunity in every day that lays ahead. Rather I see every day as a blockade and a further delay.





Sometimes it takes a temporary retreat to regroup, rethink, refocus, and then return with a better perspective. Sun Tzu is probably clapping madly beyond the grave at this little epiphany.





If the battle is too drawn out, there is clearly something missing... What must you do to obtain the leverage to win the war decisively? Not many people are willing to step back and take that assessment. Can the war be won at all? If so,then what lies immediately ahead and what obstacles are consistently being hit and what is the way around them?





I have taken a necessary mental tactical retreat this weekend. In light of the changes at work, morale is hitting an all-time low. The tech support/ former WDTS elite are feeling cast aside, demoted, and demoralized. And the supervisors/ team leaders are no less demoralized.





There is great opportunity here to step forward and help others where current needs are amassed like troops with no provisions. And in helping others, I see further ways to further and help myself.





And who knows? In doing what I can, I might find the stepping stone/ stool/ ladder that will make this next step easier in the long run.





I hate delays, let that be said. But many times, delays are designed by the flow of the universe. We deliberately plan these asides for ourselves without knowing that we need to. Valuable lessons to be learned on the path of the master; the pathway of Nevermore.





Redirect your energies and forces towards the present, rather than spreading them out to the heavens at the big picture. The big picture will manage itself. Just like tomorrow will manage itself.

I owned that interview this morning. I couldn't have asked for better answers to the questions this morning. The answers came to me fluidly and were cohesive. I'm fairly certain of moving on... ? I felt good about it either way.



I go outside and discover......... a flat tire in the back. Broken valve stem. @_@ Change the tire out, always a dirty process, and go to the tire place for a new valve stem. Thank goodness the replacement stem is free, and they're going to replace all 4.



At least it occurred on a day off when I don't have to be anywhere, right? And conveniently there is a pizza place across the parking lot. And I can tether with my phone to get Internet.



The world is a good place. And the balance of the universe is indeed intact.

No reference to the coven of the same name.



Why is it the night before important events that we invariably choose to lie awake with the mind meandering in the maze of the gods?



Wide awake we stare at the clock with no hands that marks the time with its invisible chime.



And thoughts of the distant past surface like only the skeleton in the closet can?



I chose tonight to answer an important question. Who is it all for? Revenge for the fate handed to me by others? I could easily claim that. Just ask the homicidal Genesis that is locked in the back of my mind. Is it out of some sense of duty to others to "get it together"?



Or will I make this quest for the right reason? The self that desires better living and a better way of life independent of all others?



I will continue the quest tomorrow for all the right reasons. And the skeletons in the closet can go hang themselves. That is all.

Hm. I don't have a lot of time at the moment, but I do want to write something about this:



Hope, the last veil of illusion...



Hope. Is it nothing more than an illusion? Is it a well-disguised prayer, meditation, spell, or self-fulfilling wish?



When you strip away the veils of illusion in life, you lose more and more of the child. More and more of the ability to see things in a dreamland haze is gone as the years go by. Soon, cold hard reality is what remains.



But, even to the adult mind, there is one last veil of illusion left.



In the myth of Pandora's Box, it is said that the last thing at the bottom of the box was Hope. It was released along with all the evil of the box so that there would be reason to go on.



Do we, even as adults, need to hold onto the last veil of illusion? What happens if you take hope out of the picture?

Never a strong suit for me. And waiting to find out about a job recently applied for is about as nerve wracking as it gets.



I'm waiting and quelling my desire for answers by applying in other locations too.



But with patience being what it is, and all things said, I'm doing pretty well. Not only have I had the fortitude to outlast a long, drawn out process, I have learned from every step of the process.



Success awaits. One must be patient to acquire the right skills and weapons of the battlefield. And one must be defeated many times before one can win the battle one has never fought before.

I am waiting to hear on round two. That was so hard. I have round one in Nebraska next week.

As always the time for play is ending fast. I have a lot to get done on this single day off this weekend. I took care of part of it earlier, but now I have other things to worry about too.



Life floats along down a lazy river for a long period and you start to enjoy basking in the sunlight as you float lazily along.



Then you hear something in the distance. It's the level 1 rapids and you are heading down the river at a pretty decent clip... and you dropped the oar a few miles back while you were enjoying yourself.

It's 12:47am. It's earlier than I thought and I have slept a lot less than I thought. But I awoke this morning feeling... remarkably separated. I don't mean in the fashion of "separated from the rest of the world" so much as "separated from the self".



These last few weeks, the entire month of April, has been extraordinarily stressful. You live one day at a time in my life and when stress is this ... stressful, you go quietly into a withdrawal of the self to function a day at a time. To an extent, a ghost takes over and pilots the ship for a while as the rest of you continues to plot and wait patiently.



I don't know what made me realize this morning: I need a vacation to regroup myself. I've let this ghost take over and without her complete cooperation I haven't felt like writing, like rating profiles, like posting entries, or anything else that I normally feel like doing.



It's almost like a strategic withdrawal that started about 2 weeks or more ago. It is no secret at this point that I've been in battle mode for the last several weeks. Why? There are things afoot at work and I am at the pinnacle of a 6+ month effort to advance. Anyone who goes for promotions within a company know that it's a stressful, drawn-out campaign of sometimes an entire year.



So really, I've been phasing between separation of the self to deal with background stress to uniting in a strong force to make each individual effort. All the things in the last 6+ months are now culminating in this new effort, this new round. Perhaps we are at an end finally of this portion of the journey. I sure as hell hope so.



In one of my favorite books, "Mastery", it discusses the concept of life in the form of martial arts. To master living and your life, you MUST get used to plateaus. Life is not a series of constant ups. Racing from one high to the next high is not conducive to happy living. Rather, one must content themselves with the plateau that hits, often for long stretches.



You practice katas, martial arts forms, sparring, etc for months on end, and at the higher levels, sometimes YEARS on end before there is the opportunity for a significant leap forward. And when that leap opportunity arrives, you have trained to where you are ready to apply yourself and take the leap to the next plateau.



Some think that is a futile way of living, but truthfully? It's the nature of the cycle. You either choose to enjoy practice, mundane, daily routine, or you constantly spiral in the world of ups and downs. You search for the constant high that our television tells us we ought to have, and you will eventually put yourself on a constant roller-coaster with no end except for emotional exhaustion.



So here's the rub: the pathway to consistent happiness and fulfillment is to find joy in the opposite of that which we truly wish: the plateau of practice and work that stretches on and on.



I realize more than ever now what this means, because for the last 6+ months I have been moving up from my previous plateau. It has required a huge effort to the point that I am genuinely looking forward to practicing katas for a while. Slow routine mastery of a new level. I desire this, for the next rise is going to be even more difficult and may involve an even more protracted battle.



It’s when I forget to enjoy the current duties, the current plateau that I begin to feel more anxious, short-tempered, and discontent. And when I reach this stage, as I have this evening, there is a huge disparity and separation of the self. I am divided between the “I want it all, I want it now” impatient, emotional quick-fixer... and the master.



And this morning, the master has returned from a brief hiatus with an awful lot of great ideas and a sound strategic plan for this next major battle that is coming this week. It is the master who must be in control at all times. I’m getting better at this, even if I’m not perfect yet.



I take a very dark, grim satisfaction in the realization and remembrance that I am on the path of the master. I have been dedicated to this now for over 3-4 years, ever since I first read that book. And it is after this many years that I realize the true impact of the dark path I have taken.



Remind me some time to speak to you of the dark path, the left hand path. I will need to address this topic from the personal safety of the plateau... when I reach the next one, that is.

Oh how do I love thee? Let me count the ways... one, two, three tablespoons of ground Starbucks in my new French Coffee Press gizmo. It is now 10:53pm my time. And I am wide awake. Their coffee is gooooood. And now I have a means of brewing it at work.



*bounces away*

Am stuck in voice training for the entire day. Not so bad, really. But I'm terribly bored.



We are learning today about how voice calls go through a cell network. The reason? My department is going through a transition to voice calls. So we are supporting more issues. This is easy stuff but the semantics of a wireless network are interesting indeed.



Boredom.

I truly dislike them. Especially when they begin with the sunrise. It is just past 6:00am and I have to be at work at 8:00am again. Thank the gods I have 8 hours of training.



Really? Training is absolutely mind numbing. But at least it's not so bad for early morning. Starbuck's. Definitely.

I hear that the block list works wonders. We are going to find out. I am sick to death of idiotic people who want to cause drama in my journal. If you feel inclined to post here, then do me a favor and put down something of significance, not the proverbial Internet, "we rove in packs so fuck off".



Normally, I don't degenerate into bad language in my writings, but enough is FUCKING enough. I recognize cliques for what they are, and really, I find them absolutely pathetic and full of people with worthless, misplaced loyalty. Safety in numbers, right? Ah, you may as well remove me from your journal list. Nothing else is going to be directed towards this already dead subject.



One more comment : Kontradiction (blocked) Salem's whoever (please post so I can block you too) or Lost Kitten, all of whom I tried to be friendly with in light of recent incidents, are being an annoyance in the first degree. You are blocked permanently and without possibility of parole. Oh, and the queen idiot of all, PD. Get off the damned drugs, or "meds" as you probably call them, and maybe just maybe you'll actually make a decent person. Maybe you might succeed at making something of yourself other than being an annoying Internet know-it-all which amounts, btw, to NOTHING.



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Now onto important things.... With the delay in events currently, I am going to have some time to relax and prepare. Again, it's much more suited towards me. I need the time to put together a strategy, and strategies are always a fun thing for me.



My opinion: destroy the competition through a well-organized attack. Always be mindful of the surrounding terrain, and make and choose your allies with extreme care. Judge whether or not your situation is favorable and if it is not, take steps to make it so.



Yes, I've taken The Art of War and applied it in a personal manner. :) There is a lot to be learned there. Before you ask, it's about going into battle to win if going to battle is necessary at all. It's a quick read.



Some of the other great and interesting books in my library warrant a re-read. They are certainly more useful than a majority of the drivel (including my own sometimes) I read here on the Internet.

Meh. So what I had thought was going to go down tomorrow is actually delayed until Wednesday. In the long run, it works towards my personal advantage. So I suppose I should be glad for this turn of events. I am. No sweat to wait it out another few more days.



I am a strategist and that requires some forethought and the ability to gather my resources prior to any kind of engagement. This will be good.

People continually amaze me with their indignation at the thought that not being their friend is somehow the end of the world.



I do not operate under a premise of friendship unless something is truly there. Again, if you hold tightly to your internet relationships, good for you.



Roll in the mire with enough cohorts and eventually one realizes...nothing at all.

Sometimes people have such a weird attitude towards getting their technology to work. Somehow it's always my fault that it doesn't work. And it is of course my responsibility to get things working again. After they have managed to screw it up on their own.



We should charge $100 to fix things that the user has already tried to fix on their own.

Hm. I have been prompted to write this as a response to a certain Bohemia member who has sent me a message and blocked me. I shall call her "K" anonymously to protect the relatively innocent.



For you see, I thought K was a rather nice person and had hope that we might remain friends outside the aftermath of Bohemia. Since she is not allowing me to respond, I shall respond here.



Loyalty is a good thing to have. Believe me when I speak these words: be careful to whom you are loyal. Loyalty to the wrong people will indeed be the end of you.



If someone is drowning in their lives, you do not, under any circumstances reach out to said person who is naught more than a stranger. Make no mistake, we are ALL strangers here. And whilst I attempt to afford each the respect that strangers deserve, make no mistake: you do not have my loyalty for a life time. In this short time I've been here, I have noticed that people clan together and forge bonds of almost a family type nature.



I ask: what is this loyalty based upon? Surely not on the trust of a lifetime. Surely you understand, we can be friends from afar and to an extent you are a tribe-mate. We share in the darkness what we might. And the anonymity of the Internet allows a certain degree of low-level comradeship. But make no mistake again: if your strongest relationships are here online, you are truly a weaker individual that is enriching their life in the WRONG areas.



I believe with all my heart that the strongest relationships ought to be forged in real life. Those who are in the battle with you from day to day garner FAR more respect than any coven member or fellow online junkie. And it is those people who have my complete respect and attention.



Perhaps this is where my darkness enters in: I maintain close relationships with a few. I have learned that loyalty is a great asset. But in this lifetime, you MUST choose to whom you will grant that loyalty.



Certain place you play the game. You entreat others and forge relationships based on mutual benefit. It is not a fluffy friendship with everyone where we stand together regardless of having never been to each others' homes.



My friends have all been to my home. And I have been to theirs. I have cried with my friends in real life and have been the comforter in return. So while it is appreciated that there are some who have maintained a friendship online, I state this: we are acquaintances, nothing more.



I afford you a degree of respect and easily withdraw that when you cross the line with me. And the line for you, Internet friend, is MUCH sooner than the lines I lay for those in real life.



I'm admittedly a strong, independent woman and I neither desire nor need your friendship or goodwill just because we share an Internet site. Take me for what you will. I certainly take you for what I will.



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On another note, I am heading into the office 1.5 hours early for the next two days. Starbuck's is going to be among my better friends for the next two days.



Be well, Internet travelers. I do not lay my burdens upon you, for you are not fit to carry them through. I do not bare my soul, for you cannot assist. I will offer you what friendship I may and even am willing to correspond. But those I choose to speak to regularly from the Internet understand that this is a world of No More Heroes. I will not be your hero and you cannot be mine.



~Genesis~



P.S. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming... already in progress.

My creative juices are going to be employed in other areas for the next few days. Lots of things are coming up very fast and I will be back on in limited capacity for the next few days.

Terrifyingly awake. My mind is in a loop and I can't stop thinking about this coming Friday. There are things afoot.



So what am I doing? Not surfing VR certainly. Rather, I am loading Xcode tools to my computer. I have an SVN program and apparently need the Xcode tools to compile KisMAC. The things I do out of boredom.



Damn it they took away my wifi access at work? What's a bored person to do but learn how to crack...



*crack*

I am dying to write a new poem, "The Death of Romeo". But I can't seem to find the words for it. I need the proper inspiration. Perhaps this weekend when I finish work for a few days in a row.



I saw Romeo and Juliet in opera form. It was in Italian I believe and it was beautiful. Of course, I have always thought that opera is quite beautiful. It is inherently artful. And it speaks directly to the soul as only music can. You don't have to understand the words to enjoy the opera...

In the aftermath of the Coven of Bohemia, I now find myself in a quiet coven of philosophic thinkers, much like myself. It's my speed with enough intriguing conversation to keep my brain cells working.



I thought it would be time to archive some of my personal thoughts here. I left the Coven of Bohemia not because of its Coven Master. The Hellequin is one of the better people I've encountered on the Rave to date. I didn't leave because of many of the nice people there.



I left because of one lousy ACM on a med-induced power trip. I have my own mind and in my personal time, I'm inclined to speak it. Sorry if that doesn't fit your personal agenda. I have never been one to do that.



To the coven members that I'm genuinely fond of, it was a necessity for me. For you see? I'm constantly in the mire of drama during my professional life. You try managing a team of people some time. There are a lot of things that go on in my daily dose of work that I need to unwind from. VR has become my place to unwind. That's not the same as having it be my dumping ground or my place to vent. I don't do that to people. Because everyone else quite frankly has their own pile of craziness and I don't see fit to add mine to theirs.



Rating? I still give everyone a 10. I don't like drama and I refuse to answer a million messages about why I scored you fairly. So I score everyone unfairly and grant a 10. It's what you wanted, right?



I still think, however, that each person has the right to rate as they will, coven mate or not. It's nothing to get riled up over and it's certainly not a measure of your self worth if someone grants you an 8 or even a 1. This is a web site and a social network. Nobody really knows you enough to love you. But we pretend rather well, don't we?



Outside the social, "How are you today?" I can't live your life for you and I don't know the depth of your problems. So while I can tell you how sorry I am to hear X, I can't really empathize with you without that face to face connection 100%.



Again, I speak my mind. It's a free world for the most part and I certainly live in a free country. Don't expect me to play your games... I have games I'm required to play. But this one? I don't choose to.



I'm excited about the new coven prospects. There are a lot of intelligent people who want to discuss the same things I do. I anticipate a good run with this coven.



Man I can't wait to go home...

Is there such a thing? The answer is "yes there is". Just ask anyone who speaks to me on a daily basis. They have put their technology through some serious sludge. It's slow. It's not getting anywhere. They can't get to their favorite porn sites or their favorite sports sites, and damn it, they want me to fix their shiz right away.



The first question: What were you last doing when this problem started occurring?



The first answer: Surfing the porn sites.



There ya go. Now you have dialers that are calling New Zealand on a daily basis. Not only are you racking up charges on these porn sites, your regular connection is being strangled out slowly by your favorite naked girls.



Just my take on it. Quit thinking that your Treo is a laptop. It's not.

I went out of my way and paid for my .Mac account. So damn it, go visit THE WORLD OF NEVERMORE



In a couple of days my check should arrive to VR for a life time account. All is good. But I must say, I spend a lot of money on the Internet. I must like it or something, it has yet to bore me completely after all these years.

Today was not an easy day to say the least. I don't mind sharing in my journal. I had a very bad bout of low energy. I'm surprised to see it through the floor quite like it was today earlier. Prolonged periods away from my donor tend to do that to me. And by prolonged, I mean one week and a few days.



I don't explain this energy deficiency well. We could argue it back and forth all night, you and I. I understand the reality which shapes my habits and life and I know that the current endeavors in which I am engaged are draining me at a much higher and faster rate than any other time in my life.



You are saying to yourself that all efforts will exact time and energy, carefully poured from the bucket into our efforts to make them grow. I will say in return that the bucket empties a lot faster when there is a hole on the other end leaking out into nowhere.



I tend to be much more sleepless when I enter this state. As a matter of fact, I journaled the dream which usually signals that things are indeed going haywire.



But I have fixed things for now I think. Yet the sleeplessness remains at this hour. Gods I hope I can sleep tonight. *pops Ambien*

I have had the dream again. All hail insomnia and more hours to spend on the Rave.



Yes, the dream of blood has come again which always signifies a struggle with insomnia again, accompanied by Ambien to try and counteract it.



What is this dream you ask? Perhaps it is prophetic in a way as it always signals a time when I turn more of a vampire than usual.



It always starts as I am running down 5th street towards Central Avenue downtown. The streetlights are on and it seems like it is very early morning, close to 2am. Bars should be open so I am running towards Central with the intention of going inside.



Something is chasing me down the street, I can see this creature at the other street corner and it is closing fast. I feel winded and have apparently been running for some time.



I turn on Central and music streams out of the bars, whose doors are all open. But there is no one inside. Even the cars stopped at the light have no one in them and the lights are changing at their regular intervals. No one is to be found on the street and I am afraid that everyone has gone away somehow. I am alone and this feeling always terrifies me.



I run down the street, searching for someone/ anyone and all the while this creature is behind me ever closer. Finally, as I get to the next street over, I trip off the sidewalk and sense that the creature is pouncing.



My heart pounds in my chest and a scream rises to my throat but does not escape as I turn to face this assailant...



The point of view of the dream shifts and I am now looking down upon myself in the middle of the crosswalk where I have fallen. I am pouncing upon myself and I am a devouring vampire.



I can see the look of fear on my face and the flow of blood is so real and warm. And delicious. I awaken feeling wide awake and in a pool of sweat.



Ah, the dark dreams. At least it's warming up outside. There is a significant crick in my neck this morning. This is a common feature of the dream as well. I awaken with a terrible pain in my neck. The muscles on the left side are tight along the nerveline and it is a sharp, shooting, stabbing pain.



Perhaps I've been bitten...

On this day, upon becoming a level 5, I find myself inducted in to the Coven of Bohemia. I believe I shall be happy with this coven for some time to come. We shall see what unfolds in the coming weeks.



That is all.

Such a disparity between the day time self and my truthful muse. I often find this dramatic shift a difficult one to attain. Functioning highly at the mundane level is so very different from my highly functioning altered state.



What is to be done to bridge the gap between these two? There is a large crevasse between the two.



When the muse and truthful self calls from across the breach, I despair and reach in vain across the gap. But in truth, as I go to the edge, it is only a fear of the jump that stops me every time.



For to step forth is to take a leap between the selves. The leap of faith. Grow wings in the gap and fly bravely to the other side. Wings of the angel of the soul, for me they are black as night and powerful.



TBC later.

And who burns willingly in the fires of their master? I have found that my writing is more easily unleashed when I have been around my green muse and her liquid fire.



There are several things about which I intend to write in the future. One, I intend to put upon these pages the darkest of my times. It is the great depression of my spirit. And I intend to write of my current lover, as such he may be.



I also intend to explore the myth of vampire lore and legend. I hope to portray my kin here in a manner that is eloquent and truthful, befitting of a proud race of beings.



We are the nightkind, more so than the otherkin, we answer to the tender mercies of the night. We weep at beauty and are moved by art. And in the light of our tortured existence, we burn like no other.

The reason for my journey into the darkness of this place? To write, to feel, to be free to express. Those are the wishes of the angels and the wishes of devils alike. And yet when they wish for such things, they find their mouths bound shut and the words flee without sound.



Perhaps that is the sign of a muse and a writer or lyricist. The mark of the demon who dared to speak against the One. Perhaps not so much against, as to speak at all. For to forge the artistic beauty of rhyme, meter, and words is to create as the gods create. To create as the gods create is to express that for which even the angels are forbidden the words.



Dark is the soul of humankind and yet redemption in our words is the light of us all. For by the spoken word and the written word are all things made and unmade.



In this journal, I undertake the devil's journey. In this I write the path of the gods. And here is writ the unspoken, unformed words of angels. Come to the journey and travel with me but a while, for our roads converge and diverge as often as the flows of water upon a river.